At the Museum

I like to go to the Art Inst. of Chicago on free days when there's bunch of people around that can hear me. And I like to read the painting descriptions out loud and be like:"OIL ON CANVAS?! Way to be fucking sustainable, Van Gogh!" Or like "Crucifixion of Christ, 1495?! That's bullshit! Jesus was already dead by then!"

A Haircut

You know you're balding when your barber goes: "Now let's get to real work!" right before trimming your back hair.

Mystery

I usually have 2 people visiting my blog everyday. Who the fuck is the second person I don't know.

The Man Knows

The man knows
The man tries
The man sees
The man fights
The man has grown
Out of size

The man found
The man has lost
It seems to the man
That there's no real cause
No rivers to be crossed

Give me the chord that I want to strike
Give me the key that I want to hit
Give me the word
To sound like me

International Pillow Fight Day.

Soap bars in your pillow case + international pillow fight day = undefeated.

A Magic Phrase

"I'm not healthy enough for sexual activity"
CAUTION: Use for fat chicks only.

Business Idea

I plan on opening a fast food place called "Dicktaters". We'll be serving tater-tots shaped as a male genitalia.

Disorder

I was reading online today that psychologists discovered a new type of the disorder that is a mix of anxiety disorder, OCD, ADD, and depression. Yeah it's called "You're fucked in the head!"

Is That a Hand?

Professor: "Is that a hand?"
Me: "No! It's my fucking balls!"

Question

I feel like I'm cheating every time I shake someone's hand. Do I have a masturbation problem?